Brainwash, Now Only $88!

I had two free tickets to Chinese New Year Spectacular at the new Nokia Theater in Downtown Los Angeles. Freebies. Who the hell would pay money to go to this thing--I have no clue. I'd been told this was a pretty hot ticket, but after several attempts to scalp the tickets--no takers--then trying to give them away--still no takers!--dude, what's up?

It's true, tickets can pretty pretty hard to give away when you have no idea what they are. I'd refused to read anything about this show, both promotional and critical. I'd heard little blurbs about "protesters." Okay. Wait, what? Maybe because of...Communism? PRC propaganda?

Oh no. Quite the opposite. After a million phone calls and a few hundred emails, I found a cousin [that I hadn't talked to in awhile] willing to go to this thing. But she only wanted one ticket so I would just meet her there. We were totally on the same page about it. We could take it or leave it, weren't expecting much, and would totally leave if it was long and/or boring. We both did want to see the new Nokia, if anything. Luckily my cousin's husband works a couple blocks from Staples Center so we parked in his structure for free; we'd come out ahead even if we left early. I'd requested a pair weeks ago and only received them at the last minute--I'd lost a lot of interest in that time. As I said, nobody wanted a pair, so I'd just have to go.

I had my camera with me but I get there and it says that no cameras would be allowed inside. I tried to hide it but the security staff found it. I quickly showed them my press pass and started talking this crazy circular logic at them that even I didn't really understand...eventually they let me in because they forgot what I was trying to convince them of. Later when the show began, an announcement was made that there was to be absolutely no photography because it "distracts the performers and other audience members" fair enough. Then they reiterated that it would be a "violation of copyright law" and anyone caught taking photos would be fined "ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS!" Okay, man. Chill out.

You think that's a little weird...We loved the theater all right. We find our seats and start chitchatting. Catching up. We look at the program. I look for an intro on the show. No dice. Where are these people from? PRC, right? What region? No info. Nothing. How big is the company? I noticed a lot of the staff outside were not Nokia staff...Dunno. Pretty soon we keep getting interrupted by a video that was playing on the monitors. Every few minutes, the same damn video for NTDTV (New Tang Dynasty TV) a Chinese language broadcasting station in New York. They are the primary sponsor of the show. Now I think it's okay that a news company wants to sponsor a cultural event, I do not think it's cool that they keep mentioning the SARS virus in their promotional material. I think that's a little weird.

No wait, it gets weirder. The show finally starts up. The curtains open and there are hundreds (not really) people on stage floating on clouds (smoke machine off stage) including angels (with halos!). Our initial reaction was "YES, SPECTACULAR!!" really only until I did notice the halos. Is this a religious show? Is this some crazy interpretation of heaven by Chinese people?

The show carries on...

TWIRLING. Oh god, the twirling...
LEAPING.
BRIGHT LIGHTS.
BRIGHT COSTUMES.

I listen to these two bilingual, INANE emcees. SCREAMING into mics that are already set too loudly. Everything they say is scripted and it is obvious. Every movement and every joke was controlled and rigid and odd. Everything about this show was controlled and rigid and odd. It was robotic and repetitive. This is the height of creepiness. The performers do their thing in front of a huge backdrop onto which video is projected--and it was all weird computer generated images of these fantastical imaginary places. A rainbow. A Buddhist temple in which the deities on the walls move and wave their arms...What is going on?

Nestled between the dances were two singers. A female soprano and a male tenor. They sang in Chinese. To make sure you knew what they are talking about they put the lyrics up in case you don't understand Mandarin(?) you can read along and they also put up English translation. BEHOLD! BEHOLD! BEHOLD! FALUN GONG!

Ohhhh. No way! This is Falun Gong stuff!!

So things start falling into place in my head. Sort of. Falun Gong, isn't that some kind of religion?

The emcees explain that people in China who "practice" Falun Gong "are beaten." Followed by a dance number where there is a beating! This is not "spectacular" nor does it make me have a happy new year. I hear a little kid in the audience say, "Is she dead?" That family did not stick around for the second half.

There were in toto, two dances with depictions of beatings of Falun Gong members. Beaten by dancers wearing all black (everyone else was wearing bright colors = FREEDOM!) except for hammer and sickle emblems on their backs. Beatings! They beat a little kid who is proudly holding up a Falun Gong banner. This is so creepy.

More twirling.

It was...hypnotic. Really. Now and then, the mind wanders; I start thinking about work, videogames, pornography, food...but at some point I truly space out. There was one dance in particular with a lot of twirling of props...I have no idea how long I was gone. Maybe ten minutes? Half hour? I spend even more time trying to remember what I was thinking about in that time. Was I asleep? I am terrified that I do not remember.

Oh man. Freaky deaky.

At intermission I wonder if my cousin wants to leave. Eh. Whatever. So I go get a beverage at the concessions stand. I could get a Maker's-Coke then I think, "Come on, it's a matinée, show some restraint." In hindsight, it was probably a good choice to not impair my brain.

More twirling.

Some drumming.

Here's where my undergrad research in cults and re-indoctrination comes in handy. I notice A LOT OF REPETITION. There are all these hidden patterns in the dance movement and what is said/sung. Some of the scripted dialogue is very...subtle. Jeez man. I look around the theater. These people paid to get in here.

NEVER AGAIN! MUST RESIST BRAINWASH! Oooh. Twirling.

On our way out, I made a little pit stop. My cousin said she'd meet me over at "that wall." *points* When I return, there is a lady in a Chinese dress that has her cornered. She is holding a camera and a notebook. My cousin looks over her shoulder and says rather aggressively, "Her! (points at me) I'm leaving now. We need to go." What was that about? LET'S GO.

Walking back to the car we start to talk about how creepy it all was. There was no familiar dragon dance or firecrackers. Just religious stuff. And it's sponsored by a news agency! I feel guilty for bringing my cousin. I feel guilty that I tried to give these tickets to family members. To friends of mine. I don't want to be a part of this.

What a goldmine for Empirical. Let's never speak of this again. My cousin says, "That wasn't so 'spectacular,' ..Let's go get some sushi."

Spell is broken.

For further reading on your own CLICK HERE for Wikipedia article on NTDTV.