If you feel I owe you an apology [or you want one on behalf of the universe], please remind me of the offense and it will be rectified. No questions asked. This offer is also available via my Facebook and Twitter. Do not make a request by email, IM, or Direct Message; I'm only considering public requests. Apologies will be made under the Inland Empirical or Cari name, whichever is deemed more appropriate.
Update: Due to lack of requests, the Apologies Department at Inland Empirical is closed until further notice. (I'm doing alright karmically if the worst thing I had to apologize for is Nick Cage's hairline. Was expecting major grievances.)
Since 2006
10 comments:
I would like you to apologize to the cosmos for not having seen Inglourious Basterds yet!
Dear CitizenRobots,
I apologize to you and the cosmos for not having seen Tarantino's latest. I'm a fan of his work and excessive cinematic violence in general. I had time last weekend to go see Inglourious Basterds, but used the heat as an excuse not to go out. [Yet still somehow managed to leave the house to eat a heavy Indian meal.] I will see this film...perhaps next weekend? As part of this apology, I promise not to wait to Netflix it.
Apologetically,
Cari Empirical
(See it in the theater because part of it happens in a movie theater and it will be so meta. Also: the hot mens.)
(via Twitter)
textdrivebys@inlandempirical can you make an apology for nicholas cage's hair and his horrible movie "knowing"?
Dear TEXTDRIVEBYS,
On behalf of Nick Cage's hair and the film Knowing, we apologize.
It's unfortunate that hairlines do what they will. Nick Cage is a handsome man, but like many people, he is self-conscious and doesn't realize that modification doesn't help. Is that why he doesn't get the roles he used to? Maybe. His effort to stave off the effects of aging--much like his female counterparts--has left him looking plastic and freakish (toothy!) and inappropriate for quality film roles.
I'm sure if his hairline could, it would revert to its natural state. I have not seen Knowing, but I'm sure it wishes it was Wild at Heart for you, Textdrivebys.
Furthermore, please re-rent Raising Arizona this weekend.
Apologetically,
Inland Empirical
(via Twitter)
Dear, @seepoe,
I gave you that headache and I was wrong. I APOLOGIZE.
Additionally, I am sorry that while headaches are simple to dole out, cures are a bit more complicated. What can I do to ease the pain? Do they still manufacture Nuprin? If they do Sir, I shall send that out to you immediately.
Apologetically,
Inland Empirical
This was seepoe's request in case you don't follow him...
@inlandempirical I have a headache. Apologize.
I demand an apology for when you smote Courage Falls, Minnesota, specifically my very successful chain of real-estate/motivational (mortyvational!) hypnosis self-help seminar shops.
Additionally, I am constantly offended by your quite pedestrian rage.
Yours,
Mortimer Sharp,
The Former Courage Falls, Minnesota.
Dear Mr. Sharp,
I have investments in Courage Falls for a reason--beautiful land. In fact, you sold me some of my commercial properties. When the economy took a turn, I acted out of fear. I smote you, your business, Courage Falls. I didn't set out to do that, but today I send my most heartfelt apologies.
I wish for your continued success and hope to sustain a long business relationship and friendship with you. I'll be in Saint Petersburg at the end of the month. Let's do lunch.
Apologetically,
Cari Empirical
(via Twitter)
cranemelon: ...please apologize for not visiting So. Co. since our joint birthday party last year...
Dear cranemelon,
Sonoma County is a home away from home for me. My friends in Santa Rosa are like family. I try my best to visit annually, however this year I was under the impression that we were taking a joint trip to Chicago for our birthday celebrations (AKA Empirical Pizza Tour 2009) and money was funneled there instead. This was a mistake and I apologize.
Sonoma is still not on the calendar due to financial concerns but worry not! We will be spending our birthdays together as always. Also, please send my love and apologies to your family.
Apologetically,
Cari Empirical
(via Twitter)
scrame: Apologize for cold pastrami!
Dear scrame,
I don't eat meat or much salt. I sincerely apologize for the cold pastrami. I though that's the way it was supposed to be served. I'll read up on the salty meats.
I'm sending a birthday clown to your office on Monday. I hope that clears things between us.
Apologetically,
Inland Empirical
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