I was looking for a nightspot that would be a real spectacle. Since not everyone is a drinker, something entertaining with a varied drink/food menu. I wanted people to come away from it going, "Now that was fucking insane."
Well, what I ultimately chose was a total bust. The Tonga Room. It sounds good on paper and then sounds even hotter after reading user reviews. A classic tiki lounge--one of the oldest in the country--with a raft floating in a lagoon, intermittent tropical storms, big drinks, kitsch all packaged up into the ballroom of the Fairmont hotel in Nob Hill.
Earlier: G, J, & I had a little warmup session in Chinatown that afternoon. Turned out to be a great spot but nearly any place is good when you're sipping Crown at 3 p.m. on a Friday instead of sitting in the office. G & I picked up again a few hours later at John's Grill in Downtown SF with a friend of mine. My back was hurting a lot by then from the day's explorations on foot. Without over-thinking it, I started sipping more Crown. Not as much as the boys, but my tolerance is low; these occasions to have a drink are rare. We left after 2 drinks apiece to head to J & J's apartment. They were perfectly fine of course, but when my 3 friends coming in from Berkeley called to inquire about meeting up, I realized I could not comprehend much of what they were saying. On the other hand, my back no longer felt pain and I scaled the hill to the Nob with little effort.
We picked up J & J and the 5 of us grabbed dinner at a burger place. Don't remember what it was called but it was good. We all grab a taxi to the Tonga Room from there. The kids from Berkeley on their way.
L & I went in 1st while the other guys were finishing up cigarettes. Even before setting foot inside I realized how wrong I was in depending on user-reviews. People I don't know. I heard blasting from the tiki bar, NOT Martin Denny, NOT Polynesian music, NOT anything remotely cool, but the Eagles. The fucking Eagles' "Heartbreak Tonight." Before I saw the Tonga with my own eyes, through my Crown-induced haziness, I was convinced--the user-reviews site I checked has been completely overrun by d-bags who know absolutely nothing and I am no better for depending on them to tell me what's what.
The worst music was blaring from the Tonga. There was a velvet rope deal and a sign that said they were charging a $7 cover for the live entertainment. What? Some live crappy band is playing the Eagles? For a variety of reasons, WE GOT IN LINE FOR THIS. This was our plan and we will Stay the Course.
It seemed that management was trying to convince you that the place was better than it sounded with the velvet rope, cover and the long wait. In the end, I saw more people leaving the line than getting in. There were tables to be had, they just weren't seating people. The people that were inside and leaving, were old and unattractive. They were senior citizens tired of dancing to "Get Down Tonight." Really, the farthest you could possibly get from appropriate music for a tiki place.
I shouldn't say the place was a "total bust" because the Tonga's strength was its decoration. It looked the part, it was simply too loud and filled with the wrong kind of people. The band, bad as it was, was on that raft in the lagoon in the middle of the room. Drinks were expensive and not very well made though we had fun...but it was more like we had fun in spite of everything.
Somehow, seeing a loudmouth on the dancefloor jump into--or pushed! even better--into the lagoon made things better. The drinks took hold, Senor Crane made an appearance (lively/crazed as usual), L & I sipped harsh whiskey with long straws, we/I heckled the house band. In the end I guess I got the spectacle and the insanity I was looking for.
Still, we will not be returning to the Tonga.
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