Self-Indulgent Post Wherein I Continue to Whine About the Earthquake. (Please Feel Free to Ignore This One)

The house got rocked. Worst ever. Lot of things thrown about. I found a bottle of vermouth and some wine glasses were far from where they were originally sitting--yet not broken.

I opened the door to my room and it was significantly worse than any other room. I guess because I have the most in little collectible toys, unsteady towers of books, piles of papers, and really cheap shelving--it was never really neatly kept to begin with. Nothing was safe. The VCR perched atop my television had been tossed across the room. How is that even possible?

I could not even get into my room. Could not turn on the light or open a window or get around the enormous mountain of my own accumulated bullshit. I had to get a lamp and a fan and aim them both at my room to get to work clearing a path to my bed. This is of course, after hours of not doing it and trying to keep from breaking down in crazy sobbing. Hours of television, internet stuff, some Myers's and cigarettes came first. I had to go out to buy the cigarettes, since I haven't been smoking much lately (making an exception for Comic-Con weekend). It was too much to process. I was sleepy all day and all I wanted to do was make sure the babies were okay and get to my bed. Crash early, for once. I couldn't even see the bed.

It was suggested I take a photo of it for the Empirical, but it was too depressing to look at; not something I wanted to remember, much less share with everyone else. Looking at the messiness and realizing what it is: a pile of my own nerdiness. I realized when I saw the forgotten things that were stashed away, now in a massive heap under an overturned cheap plywood bookshelf, that I'm much nerdier than I'd ever wanted to admit even to myself.

These are the things I've kept? That I've felt so important to save all these years? YES. AND IT IS EMBARRASSING. Much like my reluctance to answer questions like, "What kind of music do you listen to?" Yeah, I won't include a photo or any inventory here. Eventually I will clean and store it still. These are not things I'm planning to get rid of, embarrassing as they are, there is a quiet pride of what I have collected over the years even though I may be the only person who appreciates it.

It's still bad in there today. I was able to sleep in bed, but today I'm continuing to drag my feet on the cleaning process. I know I have to, but it's still too painful to look at. So much to do.